Okay so on my last blog, I talked about the possibility of me being pregnant. And come to find out I AM!! But I wont be a mother though. We just broke up last week, because he said he’s not ready to be in a relationship, and blah blah blah. I was hurt, but I didnt let it show. We still talk, well he calls me, and he came over yesterday. I was not even going to tell him about the baby, well I was just not yet, but my Bestie insisted on him knowing, so she called him. And he simply told me that he wasent ready for another child, atleast not yet. But then he going to go back and tell her he kinda do want the baby, we just going to have to talk. Which we havent talked yet, but he gave me his answer. Last month, he told me he doesnt believe in abortion - yet his family doesnt either, and neither does I. But he gave me his answer so after I’m done writing this blog, I’m just going to scheldue me an appointment to get an abortion when I come back from Atlanta in September. I could not even sleep last night because it’s been on my mind. And many people reading this probably wont understand where I’m coming from. I had my whole life planned out for the next 3 years…and no a baby was not in it. I was planning on getting my own house in a couple months, going back to college (because I took a year long break), and I just cant go to this by my self. My bestie was like well maybe we will get back together, that will never happen. I never move backwards, if he wanted to be with me then we would have still been together.

Last week was my mother birthday, the week was horrible, her boyfriend died 5 days before her birthday and my cousin Rodney, died the day before her birthday. She was just having a bad day. I just seen my cousin not to long ago at our other cousin weeding. He was not a bad person at all, and I’m thinking WTF who would do this to him. He was giving his “so-called” friend a ride home, and the boy shot him in the head. The boy left the gun in the car, and had the nerve to go to my aunt house and say he aint do it. Now they looking for him, and he’s no where to be found. People these days are so cruel. Thats why you cant trust everyone. You always got to keep an eye open, because people will turn dirty on you in a quick minute.

I’m still trying to get the site together, still have to find an FTP to use for the site. I have not forgot about my site, I tried writing a blog last week, but my mind was blank. This weekend is one of my older sister’s 21st birthday, we’re pose to be going out and to cedar pointe. We was going to the hotel with ”our men” but we’re all single now, Dani (my bestie) said it’s not us it’s them. But yeah, been spending more time with my niece. She’s like a celebrity. Every where we go we have to stop so much because people want to look at her and see her. We already started on her model portfolio, she go take some more picture on the 2nd of September. But yeah thats about it for this blog, ill try to update through an online FTP. Because trust, my laptop is filled with so many stuff I’ve been doing for the site, even some video tutorials.

I’ve been trying my hardest to write a blog for the past couple of weeks, what I have in mind just would’nt come out. I even tried writing at different times, but when I’d open wordpad I’d erase what I had because I’d want to blog about something else. So I’m going to just try to write today and just seperate them in categories again.

Love & Relationship:  My relationship is staying strong and going well. Everytime he looks me in my eyes and tells me he loves me, I just fall in love more. I expect the least from him, only because I never had any one treat me the way he treats me. At a point, I’m not going to front or lie, but I expected him to atleast cheat on me or hurt me and etc… But what do you expect coming from someone who has been hurt over and over again. He told me that the only way we are going to break up is if, I break up with him, lol. But I love him to death. He understands me completely we can talk about anything. And there’s a possibility that I may be pregnant. When we first got together he told me he had wanted a child, But like now he’s talking about when he 30. But with the possibility that I may be, I told him ‘I’ll get an abortion‘ even thought I dont believe in getting them, he told me he nor his family doesnt believe in them, so I’m guessing if I am…I’m going to be a mommy!. He also told me he wants me to enroll back at school, he doesnt want me working right now. He wants to be the one to take care of all the things around the house, and me benefiting from going to school would help out in the long run. I guess any lazy person would love to just go to school and stay at home..not me. I want to work, I get tired of being at home bored, He’s talking about getting another job, I told him NO!, I’ll find a job also, I can go to school in the morning and work in the evening.

Forgetting the Past: Lately, I’ve been thinking so much about my past, and all the mistakes I’ve made. I made some mistakes, and I promised myself that I would change my life around because I dont want to keep making the same mistakes. I look back at my past, and wish I could go back and erase them and do things different in my life…But I know I cant. All I can do is look back, wish I hadn’t did it and learn from them and try to move out without making the same mistakes. Because it hurt, it really does. I always wondered how could people be created to be so cruel, why would someone want to hurt someone else. How could someone dig so deep inside of someone and hurt them that bad. But im proud to say that the other night was my last night thinking about my past. That was really the first time, I’ve cried over it and really thought about all the mistakes I’ve made in life. I’ve realized everyone isn’t perfect, so I dont expect anyone to expect me to be perfect because I’m not.

Online Life: Whelp…my online life…what online life. I’m barely online, I’m barely designing any more. My FTP program DIED…WHYYYY!!!!!! so I cant upload anything to the site. :(. The FTP program I do have wont open this site, So I’ll just have to try to find another good FTP program to work with, and hopefully that soon. I’ve added a new layout to my Soulja Boy site. I’ve created a personal myspace layout for Bow Wow, and I’ve recently adopted an Aundrea (From Danity Kane) fansite. So yeah thats about it, I dont really talk to anyone on AIM or Myspace anymore. Why? … I first got a computer at 11 years old, from them I was addicted to the computer, it’s all I wanted to do, and I’m just tired of it really to be honest, I’m spending more time offline and outside with my friends and family to be worried about being online. I never really talked to anyone on YIM, but me and Reggie (My baby) talk on their a couple time, and it irks me that he types so slow that I’ve decided that we aint gon do that no more.

Offline: It doesnt get to hot in Cleveland, but lord when it hits the 80’s and 90’s I feel like I’m going to die…just playing. But my offline life is great. My brother birthday is coming up on the 20th, His family dinner is going to be on that Saturday. We always have family dinners on our birthdays at a place of the person birthday likes. I hope we go to the Golden Carrol, all you can eat buffet, or Red Lobster . But yeah he’s going to be 15, I remember when he was just an infant, cant believe my brother only got  2 more years left of high school and he’s off to College to play Football and Basketball…Then he’s going to enter the NBA Draft (he said if he good enough..which I know he’s good enough) his second year of College, and hopefully go to the NBA like my other cousins. But yeah our Family Reunion coming up, Johnson Family Reunion, cant wait. It’s a 4 day event, since it’s going to be in my hometown this year, I’m not traveling or staying at a hotel. It’s going to be a chance for Sha’Rayah to meet all her family, even thought she probably wont remember because she’s still a baby.

So yeah there it goes, a blog,  I was just writing so if it doesnt make sense blame it on me for not stopping because If I stop typing and look at what I just wrote, I probably would have got stuck and this wouldnt have even been published today.

Finally, I have a chance to finally open the site. The site is no where near finished. I still have the pages to do. The site would have been open but I just kept getting blocked when I was trying to write blogs because I have so much I want to write about. So to make thing’s easier I’m going put them in different subjects.

Loosing Weight: I’ve acutally been spending more time outside, and working out and staying in shape. I can say I lost about 10 pounds so far. [yayy] I’m very happy. There were these pair of jeans like 2 months ago I couldnt get past my waiste, and so I went to try them on yesterday (because I told myself one day I was gon get in them) they fit well. I’m not happy so I’m going to try to continue to lose a couple more pounds until I feel like I’m satisfied.  Lebron and Dr. Ian Smith created a thing for the city of Cleveland called “Fit 4 Cleveland Team” involving with the 50millionpounds.com challenge. I’ve joined that to also help give me some motivation to keep loosing weight. It’s not really as hard as I thought it’d be, it just depends on how serious you are about loosing the weight. So if you want to lose weight, you should really check out the site.

Relationship: There’s not much that I can because my relationship with Reggie is going great right now. I couldnt imagine being with someone else. He treats me right, we can talk for hours about anything. And whats more important is that we already know each other from middle school in 2000. Maybe in another blog I can post our pictures from middle school (we was some youngins) and some pictures from now. Another thing that got me also is that my family love’s him, so if my family loves him thats a plus.

Online Life: My online life is okay. I have really been trying to try different styles of design. But it seems like now I cant even design if I dont have the motivation to sit and do a design. I can say I can do atleast one design a day, then after that I’m bored. But I have been doing a couple designs for a couple artists to help build my design portfolio. Alot of people dont know but I’m also currently running 4 fansites, It’s kind of funny because I tried to cut back on how many sites I was maintaining this summer but recently picked up 2 fansites. So basically that’s it, I dont do to much online anymore, I’m just starting to stay to my self and do things on my own. I never try to ask anybody for help for anything because it seems like certain people get ‘jealous‘ or ‘mad‘ when you ask they ass for help, so for the most part I learn things on my own.

Personal Life: My personal life couldn’t be better. For once in a couple years I can say I’m enjoying my life. I’ve been spending more times with my family, and more times with my friends. Doing me. Just being Toya. I’ve also been spending alot of time with my niece.  I love her so much. I’m so happy for my sister because she had lost my nephew in 2006, and to see her finally happy, have her baby, it just makes me smile. And I do whatever I can to help. My mom tell’s me I do too much, but shoot my mom spoils her just as much as I do. But yeah, I was working but I didnt really like the job to much, I was sitting at a computer all day typing, doing Telemarketing. Didnt like it. It’s not as bad as I thought it’d be but it aint for me. I can say the only part that I did enjoy was I got to talk to this one lady and she was 99 YEARS OLD!, even though she probably wont remember the call because she thought I was her grandchild, I will. I think it’s a blessing to live to be 99 years old.

So thanks to everyone who visited the site. And thanks again for Angie for hosting me.